My brain is ready to grow up but my heart wants to stay younger, for just a little bit longer.

I think I just defined my current heartache; this is the only time I remember ever acknowledging that fact.

And since I'm ready to admit it out loud, does this mean I'm on my way to some sort of self-reconciliation? I hope so. I'm not fond of being emotionally distraught at the lack of my social life and the addition of never-ending responsibilities. I mean, why should I care that I no longer hang out with people I used to kick it with back in the day? BECAUSE I DO! Ugh. To be more honest about it, it's not the people per se; it's the feeling that group evokes, the time they represent (those times were FUN) and the reminder that you were once cool in your life. That you hung out with the coolest people you knew back then. Everybody had their own definition of cool. I was lucky enough to get to know the "cool" people I eventually became friends with. Damn, those times were really fun.

I think a common mistake I make is comparing then and now and I think doing that just plain depresses me. How could it not? I'm comparing late night gigs to everyday office. The difference is as vast as a whale's vagina. Of course I can smugly say this because I came to the realization all by myself while having breakfast earlier. I wish you all breakfast revelations; they're a good way to start the morning. It gives you some sense of cosmic purpose throughout your day. Gross, I sound like a new age hippie.

So kids, next time you lament about lost youth, remember that it's not lost; it's over. What you're thinking about are memories, not some vaguely remote future for your Peter Pan Syndrome. You had your youth, I hope you enjoyed it.

if i can pay for insurance, then that means i can afford a camera. i really have to stop being lazy about my self-improvement projects. a camera is a luxury at best and yet i'm still too lazy to get around to it.

must be smoking too much.

vices aside, it's slightly hard to invest in something that makes me cringe on the inside cos it screams attention whore. i can't even pose nowadays without thinking that i'm such an attention hog. but why should i care if they think i'm a fame cow? i dunno, i just do. i care that they think i'm all for attention. i'd rather they think i was druggie than a papansin. it irritates me to think that i'm even an iota close to those i abhor so much. kanya-kanyang self-defense na lang haha.

anyhoo, operation camera is now officially in progress. hoohaa.

and i want to be effortless. just in my fashion choices though. the tailored look doesn't really suit me, i think. ok fine, it can suit me but i'm not comfortable with it. i like feeling like a blanket. i like soft and cuddly things. 

or it could be that i'm smoking too much that my inner bitch is sleeping. for now anyway.

just wanted to let that out.

i feel conscious about posting "non-romantic" things. i mean, how exciting can paying the bills get? it's very unlike the description you'll put in when trying a new ice cream flavor. with that experience, you get "scrumptious, heavenly, luscious, creamy" and other wonderful adverbs and adjectives to describe a frikkin' treat. when settling the water bill, you have the cashier, your money, the receipt and yourself. 

that is unless you turn in into a mini-adventure on the way to the cashier's office. like the time you dogged ninjas just to pay your bill on time. in which case you'd be lying from out of your ass. 

believe you me, i'm not complaining about doing "real life". it's my new thang. i just wish there were more ways of making it a bit more fun than it is. why associate adulthood with such a burden? can't we transition into this shit as easily as we grew pimples back then? i wonder...

i need art back in my life! i need more focus in my work too but that can wait. haha.

it doesn't have to be harkor arth, just some beauty amidst all the technical documents i'm making. well ok, to be more accurate, i need beauty in my life. a painting, some really good design for sneakers and clothes; more or less design everywhere. functional art, if you will. my practical self is loving this revelation. at least i'm onto something more concrete rather than just pinning stuff and trying to make sense of what i really want from all that.

now i got it: functional art it is!

it's the start of a romance, i can feel it!
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i've had a hard time reconciling my work life into the rest of my system but now i think i kinda get the hang of it. i can treat it like school. the concept of work never appealed to me but the concept of school is something that i've been missing since i started working. i'll start thinking of it as college with just one schedule. maybe it'll help me cope better.

or maybe not. here comes social experiment 2012! 

by this time next year, i'll be officially living in mandaluyong. this is it, we're buying a house! well, a condo unit but it's still ours and thank god i'll never have to worry about rent anymore! amazing how a shitload of stress comes undone with the certainty of a place to sleep at night. mission accomplished, pig!

on the downside, i can barely sleep with all the interior designs i have in mind. i spend hours just lying down and trying to visualize the future kitchen layout and bathroom design. i'm THIS close to losing it, but in a productive kind of way. 

i think the 30s really is about growing up. this is when life really shows it's ugly side to you. that awkward transition from your teen years to sudden responsibility. i'm more at peace with it now. i'm just thinking that if i'm coping with my 30s like this, i can't wait 'til i'm 40 and i know i'll start killing it.

don't forget to have a good breakfast everyday. it makes a shitload of difference on how your day goes. just sayin'.

busy day. deliver lactation cookies, check. do grocery, check. pay condo reservation fee, CHEQUE!

i feel so grownup and kupal. i'm on my way to becoming a homeowner O_O

but then, what the fuck am i supposed to live for?
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i have to redefine my meaning of friendship. i can't seem to find the balance between my life friends and my work friends. they're on very opposite sides of pretty much everything and it's hard to find the right mix of in-between. i love my life friends but they're not exactly good for focus. while my work friends and maddeningly sane and normal. 

i'll let this sit for now. it's one of those things that can definitely wait.
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i wish all my friends are doing good with whatever they're doing.

i hope it brings them happiness, whatever they're doing.

no more capitalization! yes, i'm getting lazy again. 
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spent holy week catching up on my reading and falling in love with the boyfriend again. relationships are some piece of work. you never really stop trying to make it work. being complacent is the death of all relationships. you really have to constantly find ways to be amused or else.

good thing we laugh at the same things and it really doesn't take much to make us both happy. and i learned a new way to describe him: agreeable. always agreeable. he would be preferring something else but would easily give way to what i want. agreeable, not pushover. huge difference.
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my childhood best friend is flying from Singapore and treating me to the Cranberries concert!!! fun night ahead! reminiscing with your childhood buddy only gets better cos you're singing along to all your angsty high school songs.

CAN'T. WAIT.
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this is it, body. it's time to get rid of all the hardened fat i collected in my year of misery being 30. not so much misery as inaction. i barely moved during this time. literally. if a healthy person is supposed to take 10,000 steps a day, then i should be dead cos i just take less than 100. ugh. so i need to remind myself of this:



i fucking hate working out. i'm hoping my vanity will see me through this.