i want a FAT baby who's nice and smiles and giggles all the time and imma put him (yes, i want a boy) in a monkey suit or have him dressed up as a salad or as the yolk of an egg and take a gazillion pictures of his growth and progress so i can embarrass him when his friends come over.

FAT BABY!!!

my baby can't be scrawny or sickly. they have to be fat as if they were fed on the stuff. they have to be cute too. i know it's a vain reason to reproduce but geddemmet!!! do not deny me my xmas cards so i can send pictures of my adorable little munchkin to people who don't even care.

thank you for listening.

yours truly,

the ever ticking biological clock

denial and exaggerated self-importance could save you if all hope is lost. fake it til you make it. a lot of trainwrecks seem to be employing this method and it looks great on camera! tsaka baket lalake ang ginawang rason ng mga babae para manahimik? tsaka bat andaming nakakadiskubre sa diyos kung kelan leche-leche ang buhay nila? kelangan pa talaga umabot sa puntong ganun para maisip mo ng mabuti no? acheiving contentment is an art form.
___

simula nung panggabi nako ang bumabati saken ng "gooodmorneng" ay si yaya at angelina sa hole in the wall. kapuso ako del di makuha ang channel 2 sa rabbit ears. kelangan may tao sa balkonahe para makakuha ng magandang signal. huweniway, pagtapos ng 3rd world japanese human tetris, bigla naman sasabak ang news. at kanina, binalita nila yung mga parangal na binigay sa mga OFW in recognition of their efforts for, well, being OFWs. dahil sa serbisyo mo sa bansa, papalakpakan ka ng isang buong basketball court ng mga tao!

isa sa mga pinigyan ng parangal (note: parangal ay recognition. at yun lang yun. walang pera o tulong na kasama dito. pangalan mo sa plaque at smayl para sa camera at ta-dah! may parangal ka na) ay isang ale na 35 years nagsilbi sa ibang bansa at dahil sa sakripisyo para sa pamilya at bansa ay naranasan niya:

• mamatayan ng asawa (habang abroad)
• maging maaga na lola (del sa anak na pariwara)
• masunugan ng bahay (yung ipinundar ng sahod niya)
• AT! maparalisa sa kaliwang bahagi ng katawan del sa abuso sa katawan del sa apgtratrabaho sa abroad.

TADAH!!! anak ng tipaklong din tong OWWA eh! dahil sa lahat ng hirap na naranasan mo, bibigyan ka nila ng trophy-like thing para i-toast ang acheivement mo sa buhay! mukha ngang dika qualified kung walang masamang nangyare sayo bilang OFW eh. mas depressing ang kwento, mas siguradong panalo.

GOODMORNING!!!

para sa mga atenista: ano sa mundong ibabaw ang ibig sabihin ng "down-to-earth"? maiksi ba binti niya kaya mas malapit siya sa lupa? edi, bata yun o kaya unano. tsaka baket sa mga atenista ko lang naririnig yan? walang lasalistang pandak, ganun ba?

lagi ko kaseng naririnig na:

• "he's a good guy; so down-to-earth."
• "i like down-to-earth people, they're so simple."
• "i am trustworthy, down-to-earth and your good guy next door type."

ano yaaaaaaaaaaaaan?!?!

rey, alam kong atenista ka so paki bigyang liwanag to hahahaha!

i've always been asked why i maintain this account above all others. more than i check my facebook (i'll be deleting you soon), more than i update my multiply... you get the idea. people nowadays (especially you pesky kids!) can't wrap their minds around the concept of keeping anything in the internet that's not used for social networking. or launching yourself to cyber-fame. or keeping your fan base. whatever, yaya. as media driven as we all are, some people are seriously past the fame, glory and zero-fortune that comes from being e-famous.

i don't have to explain why i do this. don't read me if you don't want to.
___

jmon and i were "bickering" about whose fault it is that we consume so much patis between the two of us. it was our usual "fight" and my brother happened to comment, "can't you fight about something worthwhile?"

like what? feelings?

i'm sorry if we "argue" over who had the better pillow last night. i'd rather talk about that than fight and cry and tire myself over feelings that really just need a cuddle every once in a while. i get cuddled a lot so boo to you too :D
___

i'm imagining that my death would involve something lke this in the mix:



TURDUCKEN!!!

this is what meat heaven should taste and feel like. stuff a chicken in a duck then stuff the duck in a turkey. pampaputok-batok!!! o kaya kung sagaran ka eh pede mong gawin osturducken (ostrich, turckey, duck, chicken). ang wild. awat na.

americans are getting dumber by the minute. fucktards wouldn't know talent if it screamed at them. why in hell would you want another john mayer/jason mraz idiot around? boy-next-door, my ass. if you wanted one of those hanging around, edi titigan mo yung kapitbahay mong naggigitara. he sounds like a college kid with some guitar skills. jusko! kayang lampasuhin ngp anget ni paolo santos tong hindot nato.

when was the last time we actually had anyone with REAL vocal talent? i can't remember any recent artists with adam lambert's vocal range! why hello señor steven tyler! i think adam has more talent in his pinky than this retard has in his entire life. he won cos he was cute and (this phrase should be banned) he was the "boy-next-door". why would you want your neighbor in your radio?

bat ako apektado? kase sayang. i miss rockstars. i really do. we haven't had one since the 90s. this is sad.

it's lovely to have someone smile at your lunacy and hold you when it's all over

♥

after a huge sigh of relief i dance a jig to celebrate the huge ass weight off my chest. it's mostly nonsense but it's downright absurd now! woot woot! it doesn't mean anything to anyone but my heart is all smiles with this shit. it's my silver lining indeed. up yours, motherfucker haha!
___

I LOVE WORKING AT NIGHT!!!

i thought i'd hate this gig but there's peace in makati quiet. you don't feel like part of the workforce since you can just smoke outside the building and watch the occassional car/bus pass by. you never get that in the mornings when the streets are screaming, "RAT RACE!" it's the ultimate chill pill of my workload.

i get to write at night like the vampire i always thought i was. gravy.
___

it doesn't need to be said. you spelled it out for me already. even though i didn't ask. please get out of my face.
___

i actually started a year-long plan. it took me 28 years to get this thing down. it feels...  cute. rewind to when i was a freshman and i had ap lanner and it felt grown-up to have a "schedule". my schedule was instead filled with neoprints and stickers and the cute band-aid from time to time (thank alexi for that that kermit band-aid). now it's a REAL plan with a schedule and it still feels like 1998. like i said, cute.
___

quit while you still have some dignity left. oh wait, the last shred of dignity you had just waved goodbye from the window. *waves back*
___

dropping off the physical radar in 5...4...3...2...1

say hello to my internet self!

based on a true story.
___

hanap ng pamatay oras sa night shift ng bigla akong alukin ng bopismate ko:

"gusto mo sumama sa sucat para i-rescue ang turtle ko?"

sure. why nut? wala namang ginagawa at dipa tapos mag-stream yung video ni katrina halili at hayden kho ng careless whisper. habang nagiintay, larga muna kame papuntang south. at may kasamang lunch box para kunyaring "tanghalian" ang dala. ninja turtle muna ke manong guard del bawal ang ibang living creatures sa bopis bukod samen.

ansmut papunta at nung pabalik na naisip kong maging "concerned" at magtaong kung bat kelangan salbahin ang pagong na ito. pero bago ang lahat yung pangalan muna syempre: SQUIRTLE. at ganito nangyare:

ako: squirtle?! hanep. pokemon lang ah
siya: gf ko nagisip nun
ako: so ano meron sa kanya... (noticing turtle trying to backflip in lunchbox)
siya: he..has...(struggling to prevent turtle suicide) some sort of virus or bacteria...
ako: kaya gusto niya pakamatay?
siya: (still struggling) actually, i don't know how turtles work...(flips turtle over). we thought he was going to die yesterday. so we cried for 30 mins thinking he was gonna die.
ako: ..............

pagbalik ng bopis eh mukhang kumalma yung pagong at continuing sa existence niya; obviously forgetting na kanina lang eh gusto niya nang matapos ang lahat. pero dahil full-on buwitre mode:

ako: oo, squirtle nga pangalan niya. tas sinubukan niya pakamatay kanina
kosa: lamo kung baket?
ako: (kumagat) baket?
kosa: di niya kaya yung indignity of being named "squirtle". para kang nagka-porpoise tas pinangalanan mong "shmorpoise"
ako: tsaka self-awareness. as in, "shet. pagong ako."
kosa: aware ang animals na pacute ang amo kaya ayan, suicidal.

onga naman.

i need:

• to get away from makati for more than 24 hours
• a new book that could spark my love for reading again
• new music that i could emote to. emotions are not limited to sadness, by the way.
• new food, new resto. new food
• to go to the beach or the mountains. another city will kill me
• to go home. maybe home is the best place to be
• to stop being so hormonal. it's not even my period and i'm having mood swings like a menopausal woman
• a new career? (i have to rethink this one)
• new people. i love my friends but we old, men!

___

i wonder if you only befriended me cos you felt you had to... but why should i care?

we all love our little huffs and puffs but what really annoys me are buzz killers like these:

• where is your weed from? (the mystical mountain of pinatubo)
• is it from up north? (or down south. cavite has shitloads of the stuff. seriously, you potheads)
• what kind of weed is it? (jamaican bred columbians)
• so, it's from sagada? (if you'd like it to be)
• i don't smoke bad weed (as if you know)
• duuuuuuuuuuuude! you got red hairs!!! (as if you know)
• OMG! BAGUIO GOLD! (once again, as if you know)

IT'S WEED! WEED! roll, smoke and pass that shit! how hard is that to understand? basics, kids.

in OUR country, i have yet to meet a real connoisseur about this. all i know is how to tell the boy buds from the girl buds. but seriously, anybody who has ever sold the stuff will tell you anything you want to hear. yes, it's from sagada. of course it's baguio gold! i never sell bad weed. there might be hybrids out there but not in the P.I. here we grow them fresh and organic; the way weed should be. chances are, inihian pa ng igorot yung stalk para maganda yung tubo. *cue a "doood, this shit is strong! is it from up north?"* NOSEBLEED!

uh huh. shut up and pass the joint. you people think too much.

you were in my dreams again.

last night was the usual - we're friends until you manage to suck me into your crazy and before i know it, my heart goes thump-a-thump-thump over the way you hold me. IN MY DREAMS. you make my heart swell to bursting proportions. IN MY DREAMS. you tire out even my subconscious. i wake up tired from going through all that shit with you again. IN MY DREAMS.

what does this say about me? i might be denying your existence but you sure as fuck know how to make yourself known. and the best part about this is, you don't even know what you do to me. been doing. done. will do. and the verbs go on and on and on. wow. i just made you timeless in my mind.

yep. i guess i love you like that. too bad you'll never know.
___

- want to fly?
- can we?
- of course. hold my hand.
- you are NOT peter pan. and i'm not snorting any fairy dust for this..
- trust me.

so i did. and then i fell in love. and then i had to wake up while we were flying over mountains. nice.
___

no i won't take any of your calls. i really don't have any time for you anymore.

you don't have problems so, you make them up. you find beauty in tragedy and you sincerely believe that true beauty can only come from pain; imaginary or not.

it's mostly imaginary with you.

you decided to let go of anything real in your life in the hopes of emulating dead movie stars; the type of person you wish to become, beautiful and tragic. you try so hard the effort oozes from your pores like sweat. i can see it. so can you but you're looking at your best angle in the mirror so you hardly see the sweat. it's there though, forming patterns on your face that you might not even be aware of.

why? you have the beautiful part down but why choose tragedy and quasi-misery when your lovely face could be beaming with smiles; making you all the more beautiful. you said you'd do anything to be extraordinary. i guess this is your way of doing it.

and so goes the cycle you've chosen for yourself. your hamster wheel will never stop and you'll keep running til you can't and then maybe you'll see what i've been trying to show you for a long time. but until you decide to take a look at the rat race around you, you'll never stop running the wheel that will be your forgettable death one day.

is this attention enough for you yet?

i haven't managed to form a single train of coherent thought for the past couple of MONTHS. is it too late to get ADD? my brain keeps shifting from topic to topic and i can't seem to stay on one thought for long.

it can be quite taxing especially when you feel inspired and you just want to share what's in your little head. fakkit.
___

i'm very amused at the way things turned out for you. that's what you get for saying too many things; you end up eating more than you can chew. and nothing tastes worse than the flavor of your own self-righteous words.

you deserve it though, you really do. how does it feel now?
___

i never thought the day would come when i wouldn't want to be bothered by you anymore. if losing friends is your goal then congratulations are in order. your attitude stinks and i don't need people like you in my life.

don't hate me cos i'm happy.
___

my brother might go to vietnam and i'm excited for him!!! if anyone has any tips for him (it's his first time out of the country) please let me know. thanks so much!

i wish that was my ass
___

i don't understand how people can get so offended when they get criticized for what they put up on the internet. it's the INTERNET. a critic and voyeur's dream all rolled into one giant search engine.
___

given that, how can some people claim to be private when all that's left to know about them is their calorie intake for the day. suprisingly, i just found a blog that details all this. hmmm...

when did we, as a species, decide that we are all interesting creatures of this world and that our life is worth sharing about? ah, the internet. it'll be the death of me someday.
___

nahiritan nako ng "tara mommy gimik tayo!" by a retard who somehow managed to cheat the system by being allowed to live.

or mebbe i'm really that old to get such comments. i'd rather be old and rich than young and cool. kids.

i used to joke that there was really no money in writing and there was no way my favorite verb (aside from eat and fuck) could sustain a decent paycheck for me.

i guess the karmic writing gods decided to give me the finger and now here i am, technical writer extraordinaire. i'd find it amusing if it wasn't such a lobotomy every time i try to work. and nooooo, no details since blogs have been known to cause the demise of some people's employment. so hohoho to you too.

kelangan mong pumasok dahil kelangan mong kumita. walang aircon pero mejo bukas ang internet kaya kagat kahit mejo dika kumportable. unti-unti ka nang nagiging black belt sa pagpatay ng kinakailangang oras. at para magawa to eh kelangan mo ng tulong ng mga bagay na ganito:

new layout! yessss... *air punch* para ganahan ako magsulat! *jabjabjab* fight mode! this conundrum has to end! i refuse to lose to writer's block.

binasa ko uli yung Last Don ni Mario Puzo (i'm highly recommending this one) at me linya dun na sabi (not verbatim) that you don't get writer's block for nothing, you get it because there's nothing for you to say. onga naman. spatan mo to, puro boka. kadire.

pero me balak ako..

since nobody cares to read anymore, i'm a lot more comfortable dishing out whatever my mind decides to cough out without any fear of censorship or malicious readers. let's all exercise our right to free will and let things be what they are. either way i'm grinning stupidly from all the thoughts i've been thinking of putting down without having to explain anything to anyone. it never occured to me to write fiction before. now because of that, everybody thinks i'm writing from experience. fuck y'all hahaha.

so it'll be like post secret without the postcards. just secrets. could be mine. could be yours. either way, we shouldn't really care that much. after all, them are just fighting words.

have you ever felt that everything around you made no sense and it seemed like you were the only one to notice it? and notice it while you were sober? you actually have to ask yourself out loud if it's just you or the world (and prolly even the higher powers that be) is giving you the finger.

not to sound like an emotional, acne-sprouting, hormonal teenager but i guess that's what i sound like. but that's how i feel too. it should be the beer but it's what i'm feeling now.

what an ugly emotion. you're drunk and you decide to gt all sentimental about shit. i need my period now. hahahaha

• i'm really glad that you've shed all pretenses about yourself
• and that you admitted to being selfish and self-centered before
• that you admitted to any of your faults. period.
• you finally have the word "responsibility" in your dictionary now!!!
• look how you've grown! more beautiful than ever
• keep on truckin! you'll find the reason soon enuf
• i'm proud to be your friend

so there it goes. for no special reason save to say that i'm mighty proud of everything you've done. i'll tell everybody back here that you fried your brains with all that crack cocaine goin around hahahahaha!

litrato pa lang andami mo nang pede ihirit. mga tulad ng, "pano kaya nanggaling si kris sa tamod ni ninoy?" o di kaya, "hanep sa fruit of his loins no?" pero ang tatapos talaga sa lahat ng to eh, "kris, awat na."

malamang masakit yung trahedyang nangyare sa pamilya niyo pero naman, nasa 500 pesos nga mukha ng erpats mo eh! yung kinseng kataong napagbintangan na kasali sa pagkamatay ni ninoy ay halata namang walang kinalaman at kung me nawalan ng hustisiya, sila yun. at mukhang napatawad na rin sila ng nanay mo kase kasama naman pala sa executive clemency ang pagpapatawad din ng pamilya niyo sa mga "salarin". kung ayus na, bat andami pang naririnig tungkol sa feelings mo? maniwala ka man o hinde, dika importante sa usapang to. 

whatever your dad died for, died with him already. what democracy? he died to give us democracy? maybe, maybe not. he could've been one of those pawns in the larger game of life. in any way, you are more proof than any other corrupt government official that ninoy died in vain. stay in showbiz and out of politics. it really doesn't suit you.